Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
