Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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