Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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