I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
