I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
