Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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