Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
