2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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