my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
