Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
