She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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