the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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