He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
