I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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