I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
