I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
