Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
