Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
