I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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