T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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