We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
