omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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