I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
