her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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