I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
