Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
