I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just had sex on a roof
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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