Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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