My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
