Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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