Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
