Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
