you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
