Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
