I wish I could teleport
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
