Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
