I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
