I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
