he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
