how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
