Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
