Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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