i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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