I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
