She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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