I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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