i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
