I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
