worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
