It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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