at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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