She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
