I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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