you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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