so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
