I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
