9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She swung at the pinata with crutches
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
